Exploring Male Bisexuality in the Swinger Lifestyle: An Honest Conversation

Have you noticed that women tend to explore their bisexuality more often than men? In the swinger lifestyle, women may be encouraged to explore sex with each other, but for men, it is a different story. There are still societal expectations of masculinity among straight men, which creates an atmosphere of apprehension and judgment. This kind of atmosphere significantly limits the avenues of pleasure that men can experience. This sucks, so what can we do to change it?

Education is the first step to change. It is important to understand that bisexuality is a very common and natural phenomenon. Evidence of male bisexuality goes as far back as Ancient Greece, but in 1948, bisexuality became a matter of scientific study. This is when the Kinsey Scale was created by Alfred Kinsey, who is known as “the father of the sexual revolution”, for his research on sexual fluidity. This scale ranges from 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual). In his scientific studies, Kinsey tracked the sexual behavior of his male and female participants over time. He found that most people’s sexual behavior exists between 1 and 5, meaning most people partake in bisexual experiences. From these studies, Kinsey concluded that men are just as likely as women to have bisexual desires, so why do men in the swinger lifestyle struggle so much with expressing their bisexuality?

The answer to this question is complex, but I believe it boils down to cultural stigmas around male bisexuality and stringent societal expectations of masculinity. Men who deviate from this culturally defined ideal may experience discrimination and sometimes even violence. Understandably, men might hide parts of themselves that don't fit this masculine ideal to avoid judgment or discrimination. But this habit of hiding parts of oneself limits the possibility for pleasure and the potential to lead a life driven by authentic desire. So, what can we do to create an atmosphere that is safe for men to explore their bisexual desires without fear of judgment or discrimination?

We can start by changing the way we talk about sex between men. Just because a man has sexual desires for other men does not mean that he is gay and does not mean he is any less attracted to women. It is possible to have sexual attraction to men while only being romantically and emotionally attracted to women. This is very common. Our society often conflates sexual, romantic, emotional, and even platonic attractions. Of course, it is possible to feel all these attractions for one person, but it is also possible that these attractions happen separately.

Sharing sexual intimacy with another man doesn't compromise one's masculinity. A man who is secure in his masculinity can confidently explore sexual connections with other men. However, it's important to acknowledge that hesitation in mixed-orientation experiences, especially in group settings, may stem from concerns about boundaries and unwanted advances rather than insecurities about one's sexual orientation. The ultimate liberation occurs when one can explore desires without fear of judgment. Doesn’t that sound sexy?

Talking about your sexuality in this nuanced way may help the straight or bicurious men around you feel more comfortable. Many men may fear that opening up to sexual situations with a bisexual man might get them “jumped” or somehow forced to do sexual acts that they do not desire. This shouldn’t be the case. So, it is always good to remind them that being bisexual means you CAN go both ways, not that you MUST go both ways. Just let them know you can play it straight if that is better for them while also making it clear that they can feel safe to explore their bisexuality in the heat of the moment. Be open and relaxed, and take it slow.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, men having sex with men is hot! When we strip away all of society’s judgments around man-on-man action, then we are free to explore the many splendid ways that humans can indulge in sensual pleasure with each other. Why limit the amount of sexual satisfaction we can experience? After all, aren’t we in the swinger lifestyle because of the freedom it gives us to live out our authentic desires?

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